Every time I think of doing something interesting, I feel okay. That’s all I feel. And then I bring myself to action and begin to feel worse than okay. I consciously remind myself that I am capable of excitement. Excitement is important because it paves the way for other strong emotions. I convince myself to continue doing interesting things. Yet, here I am. A dark cloud dwelling inside me blocks the sun I need to feel strongly and all I am left to do is get drenched in incessant rain wondering what I am doing wrong. Anxiety, they call it.
Every time I think of doing something interesting, I feel okay. That’s all I feel! And then I bring myself to action and begin to feel worse than okay. I show myself my self from the past and how excited he would have been if he would have been able to do things I do today. How capable he was of excitement! How he would have enjoyed, how he would have laughed and cried! Yet, here I am. Sitting like a nostalgic old person forced to look at young people playing and having fun. Anxiety mixed with maturity, they call it.
What is going on? What went wrong?
I have already answered these two questions. Anxiety and maturity came into my life. That’s all. They came and hid everything from me. They came and blocked all light and colors from entering me. They did it by removing excitements from me — things that pave way for other strong emotions!
Am I fine with what’s happening?
No.
What do I do to make myself ‘feel’ again?
Yesterday morning I stood outdoors reminiscing how I felt excited and a lot of other emotions when I was a child. As my eyes panned over green leaves and birds and my nose enjoyed petrichor, I realized that I felt strongly while I was younger because I mostly played or strolled outside. I was never addicted to a single technological device except for a brief period of addiction to TV.
On top of that, when I was younger, I met a lot of people and I did a few things.
Around five years ago, the idea of isolating myself had excited me.
‘You are too alien to yourself. Know yourself first,’ I told myself and detached myself from people and places. I locked myself in an oven and surrounded myself with more books, PDFs and diaries.
But
- Everything has its time, phase and place.
- The time is done. The phase is over.
It’s time to pack my bags and leave this room!
(I wrote the last part to see what would bring excitement to me.)
