You have thought in a lot of different ways. You have held beliefs and values that you cringe at when you think about them today. Or, you have thought of things that impress you today.

You have thought a lot of different things and you have been a lot of different people inside the same person.

You have said bullying is wrong, but you have also found yourself enjoying the act of bullying. At times you have ranted about greed and how it has damaged the world and at other times you have said yes to infinite possibilities in life.

We are the same person but with different thoughts.

What changes? What happens?

Today, I will try to answer that by sharing my mentality during different contexts of my life. I will revolve the contexts around a simple question of ethics:

How should I approach money?

Let’s see what I can discover.

Context 1: The Rebel

I was in the second semester of college, enrolled in the Bachelor of Computer Engineering program. I went to college with 100 Nepali Rupees (less than a dollar), hardly ate a good meal, and preferred walking or traveling by bus. I drank a lot of cheap alcohol as I discussed ‘intellectual’ stuff with people who were in college just for the degree.

For me, the world was wrong. There was suffering everywhere because people had lost sense of right and wrong. People had become greedy and lusty. They were that way because the institutions were driven by financial greed and hedonism. The institutions were that way because the people who ran them were that way. Those people were that way because we allowed wrong people to lead us. We did that because we allowed wrong political and economic systems to rule us. We had allowed that to happen because we didn’t value knowledge much. We had become hedonists who preferred entertainment and pleasure over everything else. We preferred that because the institutions that led us were driven by financial greed and hedonism…and so on…THE WORLD WAS WRONG AND SOMETHING RADICAL HAD TO BE DONE ABOUT IT.

The Rebel Context

How I approached money?

Money is the root of all evil. Democracy and Capitalism are wrong political and economic systems. Systems that don’t value knowledge. Systems that sell entertainment and pleasure. Systems driven by financial greed and hedonism. Since money is wrong, my desire to have money is wrong. I should live a simple life. I should focus on knowledge and destroying the establishment. I shouldn’t consume entertainment. I should burn down KFC. I should destroy ‘markets’ and get into politics. Money is wrong, the dream to have money someday is wrong.

How could I afford that thinking?

Because I was 20. I was in the second semester of a college that was run by communists. I was living happily with my parents who were well off. They wanted me to get a degree, that’s all. I had no pressure to support them or bring money home.

AND:

I was reading Karl Marx.

Context 2: The Leader

It was 2017. I was working for a nonprofit in Nepal where we did some cool stuff. Soon, I was asked to be a founding member of a nonprofit to be run by a celebrity musician who had good links with my boss on the previous one. He also wanted me to help him with his online presence through digital marketing. I accepted the offer. I was now working on three firms and was an entrepreneur on one. There was enough money to make me want more.

For me, the world was full of opportunities. You could be whatever you wanted and reach wherever you wanted to reach. Yes, society was flawed. But it could be improved through intellectual pursuits, literature, and arts. People had become ignorant. The institutions were good but were led by wrong people. They could be replaced. The political and economic systems can be improved. THE WORLD WAS FULL OF OPPORTUNITY. I SHOULD REACH TO THE TOP.

The Leader

How I approached money?

Money solves a lot of personal and world problems. But it is hard to attain. One needs to understand market, economy, politics. Money can make a lot of things possible. If I have good money, I can be influential in society. I can initiate projects and travel the world.

How could I afford that thinking?

I had professional ambition. I had multiple jobs and a company. I was writing a lot and was looking for ways to be relevant as an intellectual and poet. I was in an organization where I was told I could do anything. I wanted to have an impact on the world by making myself great. I desired power, popularity, prestige and pleasure.

Context 3: The Enlightened

The world was in lockdown from COVID. I lived with my parents. I had quit all jobs. I had switched off my phone and deleted all social media. I had decided to understand the ultimate truth for once and for all. I read a lot. I read Schopenhauer, Buddha, UG Krishnamurthi, Upanishad, Nietzsche, History and everything I could read. I smoked a lot and drank lots of tea and coffee.

For me, the world was useless. There was superficial nonsense everywhere because people didn’t possess wisdom. People were irrelevant. They were smaller than a speck of dust in the cosmic context. Their greed and lust was irrelevant. THE WORLD WAS USELESS AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT. ONLY THE SUPREME TRUTH CAN LIBERATE ME FROM THIS USELESSNESS.

(No photo from this phase. I was enlightened, remember? Enlightened people don’t take photos.)

How I approached money?

Money is a distraction. It exists because people are ignorant. If all of humanity possessed the supreme wisdom, we wouldn’t need money. But why should I care about humanity? Why should I care about money? Money is for the greedy and lusty. I am beyond all that. I am a seer. I am a knower. I possess the truth. Fuck money…fuck market, fuck politics, fuck economy, fuck them all. They are all distractions.

How could I afford that thinking?

Because I had no jobs to go to and no one to meet. No pressure to earn because I was still living in the privilege of my parents’ house. They wanted me to not go outside, that’s all. I had no friends, no boss, no colleagues, no projects.

Context 4: Today.

I am in Barrie, Ontario Canada. I am 30. I came here with a dream of being a writer/creator, free from the technical, financial, cultural and social shackles of Nepal. I don’t have a job yet and my rent is due. I joined the Medium Partner Program hoping a few dollars I earn from it will be enough to fuel me. But all my views died. Now I have neither money nor readers. The apartment is nice. I want to remain here. Inspired by the stories of Charles Bukowski, Raymond Carver and almost every other writer, I have tried looking for odd jobs but have found nothing. I write daily. I try new marketing tactics. I apply for jobs.

The world is big. It is complex and confused, just like me. It has opportunities but I am getting none. Yes, you can be whatever you want, but it is complicated. You have to adjust and compromise. You have to balance it out. Yes, society is flawed, it has always been this way. It can be improved, it has been improved. It is slow. A lot of people are ignorant but a lot more are not. Some institutions are good, some aren’t. The political and economic systems can be improved but they resist. The world order is played out among extremely ambitious players. You won’t be able to do anything if you don’t want to join them. Even their actions are determined by their context. THE WORLD IS LARGE AND COMPLEX, I AM TOO.

Me in front of the Barrie Public Library. I love this library.

How do I approach money?

Money is important. It gets things done. It allows you to live a good life in a place. It allows you to try new things.

Why do I think this way?

Because I need money now. I want to think and write forever. But now I need money. And I know I will need money tomorrow.

The Conclusion

I have shown you how my thoughts have changed with my context and how my age, my profession, and the world outside have determined the contexts. And how the contexts have driven my thoughts. And how my thoughts have driven my life.

While I was in college, I was an extreme Marxist thinker with bad thoughts about money and a willingness to live without money. And I put myself in crisis.

After college, I became a liberal thinker with good thoughts about money. I pursued money along with other things. I gave myself some material life.

During COVID, I was an extreme spiritualist with bad thoughts about money and a willingness to live without it. And I did put myself in crisis.

Today, I am a somewhat liberal thinker with interests in anarchism and post-nationalism. I have good thoughts about money.

I can almost guess what thoughts I will possess tomorrow if I can imagine my context.

And yes, I have to say this:

There is no good or bad, only context makes it so.

If you want to change some thoughts, try to change the context first.